I just spent three hours fixing my wireless router so that it would work at my new dorm, and I FINALLY got it working.....

I had to do all of this to get it there.

Man, I'm lucky I have enough time to work on this stuff, otherwise I probably would have thrown this thing off of the highest building I could find. At least now I can venture around my apartment like I am used to doing.

I am just a simple man,
with in my mind a simple plan,
a plan to love and share a hand in all you were and are.

I do not seek out lofty goals,
for fortune vast, or power bold.
I simply wish to reach and hold all people in my arms.

For things of matter, matter little.
Fame and fortune - objects brittle.
These things in life we cherish whittle the Rock on which we live.

I am just a simple man,
with in my heart a love that's grand,
and hope to stay and lend a hand in all you wish to give.

So, while lurking in the shadows of my feelings of inadequacy from being fired from my job without reason, I tried hard today to keep a calm and collected demeanor to all around me. It worked great, except for two people: My mom, and Sophie.

My mom, of course, knew the right words to tell me, but in being far from me could do little to sooth what I was feeling. My waves of dislike for non-understanding bosses, my regret for the effort I put into my work for the outcome, and my lingering feeling of inadequacy were all very visible to my mom through my façade, but she knew when to pull away after letting me know that she's been where I am at and that it would be okay.

Sophie also knew how I was feeling, but she knew more than my mom because I let her see a lot more of it than I let my mom see. Just spending time with Sophie today reminded me of how little any of the troubles of my life really matter with all of the joy that is constantly there. Sophie put me back in my place, yet again, and I don't think she'll ever realize how much that means to me.

1 Corinthians 13:13 tells us as all things fade away the three that will remain are "faith, hope, and love", the greatest of these is love; Agape, Eros, and Philia.... I was reminded of this today because of Sophie, and I truly think it was a reminder that I needed more than I ever needed any job in my life.

My thanks to God for my mom, and for Sophie who both keep me where I need to be. . . I'd be lost without them.

I am really good at analyzing other people. It isn't because I'm psychic or because I'm a brilliant psychoanalyst, but it's because I've learned in a unconscious way how to tell when they are lying to me, or to themselves.

It is too bad I've never met myself; Maybe then I could be happy.


For my entire life, I've been a lier. While generally my lies weren't directed to anyone but myself, almost always it has been my falsehood to myself that has brought my own downfall. The hard part is now that I am working to fix my lies and the pain I've caused, the more I tell the truth is the more I stumble and fall.


My pain doesn't come from the backlash of reveling my previous lies; I expected that and deserve my penance. It is more of the problem that I am not used to being truthful with myself and therefor others. I am not used to communicating how I feel without changing what I say to make people sympathize with me.... whoever [i]me[/i] is.... In learning who I am without the lies I used to obfuscate me from the outside world, I am exposing myself raw, and what I see isn't pretty.

. . .


This feeling of weakness that I have makes me want to return to the way I was. At least when I was lying inside I could force myself to think that I was happy with where I was at. . . at least then I could ignore how my past mistakes are ruining the best thing to have ever come in my life.

I can't lie anymore though. I am told that this time of my life will make me utterly weak at first but will then pass and make me stronger. They got the weak part right; I feel like a soft breeze could crumple me. . . but how long will I stay so very very weak?





-Jake

Thank you for Your peace and clarity; it was just what I asked for.


Goodnight, and thank You so very much.



Love,
Jake

I like metaphors.

A lot.

I like metaphors so much that a lot of times I wonder if I am constantly thinking metaphorically. I constantly seek connections between things in life because when you are able to view them from different angles through other mediums which you are more familiar with, it can solidify thoughts that you had before into verbally expressible terms.

In my seeking for the ultimate metaphor for life, and all things (yeah, I'm a little ambitious), I've come to realize that the triune nature of God Himself explains all things best. . .It's amazing how God shows the nature of His trinity throughout our daily lives. It is viewable in breaking down the things that make our existence possible:


First Example: Matter

If you take H2O and morph it into the three states of matter, it is all H2O, much like God is God in three ways all at the same time yet in each state there is a different function.

Ice - The Father - Solidarity - God and His Laws are our solid foundation.
Water - The Son - Cleansing, brings life - Jesus brought us life through His sacrifice.
Gas - The Holy Spirit - Invisible, but present - The Holy Spirit moves us in our life.

Another sign of God's triune nature: Water, the very thing that lets us live, is formed from three molecules.


Second Example: Love

There are three words useable in life for the nature of "love". Their Greek equivalents are: eros, agape, phileo. In having good relationships, all three are necessary in their own time. For a healthy marriage, one must be unselfish, a best friend, and also attracted physically to the other person. These types of love exist congruently amongst all human relationships, but with more or less emphasis on each of the separate parts depending on the people that are interacting. These are also forms of love that God shows for us (although, in Him, untainted by our sin).

eros - The Father - material love - a love of His creation.
agape - The Son - charitable love - unselfish love given up for another.
philia - The Holy Spirit - A love of friends - God's guiding hand in our life.


Third Example: Time

The three states of time that are "known" by us are past, present, and future, and while we can recall all three separately, it is obvious that the distinction between them is purely man-made. In actuality, all time is the same and the distinction is made by us.

Past - The Father [John 1:1-3 "He was in the beginning with God."]
Present - The Son [ John 14:8-9 "Have I been with you all this time, Philip, and you still do not know me?]
Future - The Holy Spirit [Isaiah 44:6 "I am the first and I am the last; besides me there is no god."]



The most interesting thing about these three separate cornerstones of our very existence as humans is that even by themselves they personify God's three parts:

Matter - The Father - Made all things, is all things.
Love - The Son - Sacrificed His human flesh as our brother so that we all may live.
Time - The Holy Spirit - Moves in our lives with intentions outside of our existence.



People look for proof of God, but in all reality He is right here. We even subconsciously know it because the longest lasting governmental constitution in the world is based around the same ideals that God exists by. . .


Man-made example: The United States Government:

Our government is much like God in that it consists of three separate parts that make up the whole:

Legislative - The Father - makes the laws of the land.
Judicial - The Son - judges all people, but in His existence allows for all people to be free.
Executive - The Holy Spirit - actively works to enforce the laws where possible.


The only time our government doesn't work well is when one of the three parts is made to be greater than the other two; much like what is happening today. Thankfully God is unchangeable, and infinitely more reliable than our weak representation of Him.

So much stuff has happened to me this week.

I started my third day working at G2 on Monday. This was also the same day that I got to meet John, my work's owner; he seems to be a cool guy but he can make snap-judgments about people at times.

Other than my walk and revelation on Monday, the week was actually really uneventful until Thursday. On Thursday I went to evening mass at St. Patrick, and Fr. Rick was presiding over the mass. Mass was great and everything, but the thing I was looking forward to more was talking to Fr. Rick afterwards.

The interesting thing about my appointment that I made with Fr. Rick was that I had called the office at St. Patrick last week with the plan to go and ask him questions about the bible and the justifications of the church in not allowing gays to marry. I was a man on a mission, looking for answers.... and then in waiting for Fr. Rick to get back with me to set up an appointment to talk to him, I found them myself on Monday. Thursday, when he finally called back and left a message, I had already decided that I was going to mass so I didn't call to respond and just anticipated him being there.

So, I went around the corner to see Father Rick and we talked. We talked about a lot. . . One thing that really hit me though was how much he felt that I was on the right path.... not because of the church's view on gay people or even the view of the bible, but rather because I found God's wishes for me through Him and His word alone.... It was nice being told that I'm on the right path, since it's so often lately that I wonder.

After talking to father Rick, I went to eat at Kinley's House (a coffee shop/eatery). Randomly, Neil Navoa from the music department came in and we started talking. He was able to tell that I was different; he said that he could see a calmness in my eyes that wasn't there before. I kind of understand what he meant, as I too can sort of see that side of people now ( God-dar? 0.o ) . I told him about all that was going on in my life and while he was ecstatic that I was coming to closer to God, he was hesitant about me being a part of the Catholic Church. We talked for nearly five hours about religion and God and life; his friend Drew also came and was a part of our conversation (coincidentally, I had met Drew randomly on a plane flight to Phoenix last December 3rd; I'll talk about that some other day though). Neil was really really happy about my decision, and was actually really amazed by my choice to not act upon gay feelings any more.

I have known for a month that Friar Blake was going to be ordained at St. Patrick's this Friday. On Thursday night I invited Veronica to come and see the ordination with me. I picked her up after work and we went to eat sushi at Yamato's. After that, we went to a park up on Baltimore St. (the same park that Sophie Travis and I went to one night a months ago) and we played on the swings! Vero got sand in her shoes, but that was easily fixable. :-) After chilling out for a while, we headed off to St. Patrick.

One of my main reasons for wanting to go to the ordination was because I wanted there to be people there for
such a big day for him and part of me felt that not many people would show up.

Boy, was I ever wrong. People really came out to support him! Veronica and I had to park a block away because there were so many cars there. When we got into the church, the entire place was packed with people. Veronica and I were smushed between the end of the pew and two old ladies :-D So my original intentions for going weren't really necessary, but I am SO glad that I went. The ceremony, which was led by the Bishop of El Paso, was beautiful. Seeing someone who has devoted their life so much to God's path be ordained as a priest of His church is so moving and uplifting. I was especially moved when at the end of the service he blessed his parents (one of who is a Reverend at a christian church).... I was so moved by the love inside of that church and the acceptance that the people of our Church had for him, and the love that I know he has for his parents. I can't imagine what it would be like to be able to give that to my mom. . .

At the end of the mass, I waited in the line out the door to shake Bishop Ochoa's hand and let him know what a beautiful service it was. As I shook his hand he said "You're a new face around here" and I said "yes, my name is Jacob Wilson. I am converting to catholicism". This made him happy, and he was also reintroduced to Veronica (they had met when she was 11 :-P ) Then, he proceeded to bless me. . . being blessed is a weird feeling, because you just feel so exposed to the blessing that is being made. It's a lot like being on a beach on a hot hot day without sunblock, but you don't get sunburned. None the less, I was honored to have the bishop bless me.

After mass, we went to the reception and had cake and punch. Father Fabian got up to talk to everyone towards the end and told everyone that he was being transfered to another church four hours deeper into Texas. You see, since Father Blake was now assigned to St. Patrick, the church needed him somewhere else.... Even though I haven't known Fr. Fabian very long, this kind of hurt me because he had effected me deeply in several of his masses and in my interactions with him outside of church; not to mention, I feel that his blessing was a large help to me on my path. He will be really missed at St. Patrick, but I know he has many many great things ahead of him; I hope Sophie gets back from Germany before he leaves.

After the reception, Veronica's parents took us to eat at Taco Cabana, and guess who I randomly meet again. . . Neil and Drew; kindof freaky!.... I had an AWESOME time with them; I love Vero's parents to death :-) We also saw Krista there, and she looked amazingly happy :-)

On Saturday, I went to 7 AM mass to see all of my ACTS brothers and sisters. The church was full! (and on a Saturday morning!) I got to see Erika (YAY~!), and all of my brothers as well....It was really awesome seeing them, but a lot of them weren't there at all. :-/ I hope they are doing okay.

I went to run a garage sale with my fraternity, but nobody showed up to really buy or sell. The only people who were there were myself, Abraham, and Luis. Something else I learned during my time there was that Luis is going back to San Antonio in August.... That really saddened me, because he has meant the world to me here, and it'll hurt to see him go. Also, with him leaving, the fraternity is down to only a few guys; Rick, Myself, Abraham, Billy, Travis, Charlie, and Stephan (who is really sick and in the hospital). I really don't want to ditch these guys as they mean a lot to me, but I am starting to feel like my time could be much better utilized elsewhere. I'll still stay for now, but it is something I am really going to have to consider.

. . . it worries me a bit, because in a lot of ways I feel that my time can be better utilized elsewhere. I am really unsure in a lot of ways if music is my calling at all even though I love it, and without that I'm just not sure what to do with my life.

None the less, I've decided to give things time; to give myself time to allow dust to clear and for my mind's eye to focus again... I'll finish my classes this semester and possibly next semester and then take things as they come.

Saturday evening I had a long conversation with Mike (my dormmate for the fall who I met before my path was shown to me), and in a lot of ways he feels the same way about the situation as I do.... that God is clearly telling us what we need to do through the bible, but we have this constant fear that His word can be corrupted by men. . . after we both decided to sleep at 4AM, I prayed the rosary for the first time since the ACTS retreat. . . I feel confidant in praying to Mary to intercede for me now, and I'm glad that I did.

The conversation with Mike was hard and wide-ranging, but moreso it showed me how much I hate not being able to give as many answers as possible. I want to learn God's word so bad so that I can defend my faith and show people what God has in store for us. I realize that this will come in time, but it can't come soon enough.

Speaking of that; as soon as I get my paycheck tomorrow, I am going to go register for RCIA classes for September. I am really excited about that. :-D It really can't come soon enough, but I'm okay with waiting. I'm not so much impatient as I am very very eager to begin learning my faith more.

Last day of the week, Sunday, I woke up at 2 because I stayed up late talking to Mike. I layed in bed until 4, and then got ready and went to mass. Something I didn't quite realize yesterday was that today was Fr. Fabian's last mass. His eyes were teary as people left and I told him goodbye even though we did not know each other well. They are having a goodbye potluck for him on the 20th of July; I hope that means he'll be here until then.

....I miss Sophie so much right now. Even though she's in Rome and that's supposed to be closer than Ramstein, I feel like she's even farther away... I feel bad because I've been so busy that I've been unable to sit down and tell her the things I want to, but I also know that she likely can't respond now anyway....I hope she's okay, and I can't WAIT until she gets back home.....I hope the amount I've changed doesn't frighten her when she gets back though.



....It's 1:45 now and I best go to bed. it has been a long week, and I'm going to mass in the morning. I am sorry this has gone on so long, even though I feel like I've only described a miniscule portion of my week. I'll probably flesh this out a bit more after work tomorrow. I don't know. Goodnight world; take care.






Love,
Jacob

At 1 this morning, I couldn't find God in my heart, so I decided to go and search for Him at church.

One thing I never tried before was walking to church. My car has barely enough gas to get to Mass tomorrow morning and then to work, so I walked. I knew it was about 2 miles, but you never really appreciate the significant length of a mile until you walk it. The walk there was long and erie; a majority of it was in complete darkness... Yet despite my fear, and the unusual sounds of the nighttime nature, I kept moving forward because I knew it had to be somewhere ahead. . .

I finally got to the church around the time I was feeling like I should just give up and turn around. Compared to the last half mile of the journey, the area around the church was lit brightly. After my eyes adjusted to the light, the sight of the church was really welcome.

I walked up to the door of the church, counting cement slabs and already knowing how many there would be. Inside the church, a light was on.... was someone there? When I reached the 12th slab, I brought my hand up to try the door. Surprise to me; the handle pushed down. I pulled the door with excitement -- the deadbolt was locked.

I guess I wasn't surprised that the church was locked. Of course He is not there, I knew He had risen.... I was just hoping for some kind of guidance.... I had a part of me that wanted to knock to see if someone would answer, but there is a large part of me that would never ever knock on a church door.

. . . What about that light inside though? Through the murky stained glass I could see the activity that was keeping the light on at night. . . The Cross; still there.

I got some weird sort of solace in knowing He would be there tomorrow too -- hanging.... but I still needed to find what I went there looking for. It was almost like God and I were playing hide and seek. I walked around the entire building, consciously grateful that no police were there to see my suspicious behavior. I didn't expect anything there, but I had to try. When I reached the back and was ready to leave, I found an open gate.

It seems the church leaves its courtyard open at night -- possibly for people like me. It is a very simple courtyard with a statue of a man in the middle. Curious at to the man and largely expecting Jesus I went to the front of the statue. It was St. Matthew (I really should have been able to guess; it's only the name of the freaking church. hah). There he stood with a quill and book wearing a white robe and no shoes....If only I had water....as I have done, so you must do....

I'm sure you already know, but St. Matthew was one of Jesus' apostles, and wrote his gospel in the New Testament. I sat down in the grass in front of his statue and contemplated this significance with my conflict concerning the bible.

I wondered how Matthew would feel knowing how much I worry about taking The Bible as the word of God. I have an unexcapable fear that in the process of creating and translating The Bible, the sinfulness of men has twisted it to their own intents. I asked Matty-boy what he thought about this, but he seemed somewhat apathetic and stone-faced... maybe I caught him at a bad time.

After long while, a friendly spider minding its own business lowered itself from the leaves of the tree above me and started making its home bellow the branches. I immediately thought of how scared Sophie gets when she sees spiders, and demands that I dispose of them for her :-D . I also realized that Sophie would tell me that God is not in a church, but in His people; and so, I started my journey home.

I was not afraid walking home. Even when in the darkness a car pulled over ahead of me and people got out, I wasn't scared. I just walked by them and all was fine; I knew it would be. My feet were aching, but it didn't matter to me; my God hurt much more for me, and I could take it.

All in all, the experience was calming, but I did not find what I was looking for....


However, on the way home I had a sort of epiphany:

There are times in life that I feel I hear God in a good song, or can feel Him in my Grandma's quilt, or can smell Him in spring honeysuckle, or I can see Him in Sophie's eyes. In fact, when I am a part of life and enjoying it, it seems that I experience God in all of the things around me...

In reality though, all of these things are just God's creations. If you look deep inside the core of all things with an infinite microscope, you will never ever ever find God there; He is beyond the folds we can view with our senses in this Universe.

There is only one medium that we can experience God. It is our sixth sense.... our soul.

Much like all senses, I think it must be possible that my sense may not work right... There are a lot of times, like today, that I feel soul-impaired and crippled on the path to God.... Much like my walk this morning, I stumble, and reach through the blackness of my spirituality because I somehow know that He must be up ahead somewhere.



The problem now is that I feel as if I have been looking for Him for so long that when I get there all I will find is a house of locked doors, myself to deal with, and a light inside reminding me of what I don't have.

I am having such a hard time resolving my spirituality with my faith. I have come to the realization that in order to honor God's sacrifice for me there are parts of my life I never felt were a bad thing before that I know I must give up.

I lash out against these things by saying "Maybe the bible is wrong" and "Maybe the church is wrong" and "The apostles were sinners too". . . and in the hidden corner of my soul I know it's just me fighting to keep what I have familiarized my whole life with.

I am so afraid to turn away from this part of me... I think to myself "I don't see how it is a sin". I think to myself that it feels pure, and then I remember that it isn't.... I have felt pure love in God through my best friend, and it was a stronger feeling than this sin... that scares me so much..... because it shows me that all I have fought for is false.

All that felt pure with that three year relationship means NOTHING because I know it wasn't anything near a pure and God-based love. It was the seed of sin, and I watered it gladly until its vines encased my soul.... even after God gave me just enough strength to break free I still defended it... OH, it was just an overzealous bush.... no harm intended.

It's amazing how shitty you feel when the one thing you always felt right about peels back its façade and reveals itself as the devil himself. The only thing really keeping me from going crazy right now is the hope that I may someday live in Purity by unmasking its impostor. Though, how can I ever make up for the lost time I have wasted in my ignorance?

I'm hurting really really bad right now. I don't think I can type much more. I am sorry for what a mess this journal entry has turned into, but rest assured that it's nothing near the mess that my heart is in right now. . .





Jake

An online journal is meant to let you talk to the world, right?


Well, world, there is a lot to be said.


I want you to know that I see how strong you can be. It's not just fake; I see past the façade of strength that you put out; I see your true strength at your core. Your strength is not strength through armies or through persuasion, it is your strength in the control you have over yourself, over your actions.


I want you to know that I understand you feel small. I am one with you in that. We all divide ourselves into groups in order to find a bigger strength in numbers, but our categories and our labels don't build us up, they break us apart. You need to know that the only true label to us is that we are human, and our strength lies in our humanity. There's no need to fit in; you're already a part of us.

There are 6 Billion people on this planet. Everyone is talking and not enough are listening. If we want a great world, we must listen tenfold more than we speak; we must comfort tenfold more than we scold; we must spend time thinking about what others are telling us rather than what we want to tell them next. Violence and hate comes from people who feel like their concerns are not being heard. The drums of many armies start as a conversation unbalanced, and we can fix it with open ears and hearts.


I want you to know that I have faith in you world. I believe in our ability to learn from mistakes, to sooth the people whom we love, and find love in those whom we don't. I want you to know that I love you. I love YOU. Even the people who have hurt me, my friends, my family. Even the people who I've hurt. At times I have lashed out at you, and I'm so sorry, but I still love you, and I know you can love others too. I see your love as I look at everyone's eyes, and you have more than enough for everyone. Don't be afraid to use it just because you don't see anyone else doing so, and don't be afraid to love yourself just because others are afraid to love you. I love you and I see what you are meant to be.


I know you want to survive. You want your loved ones to survive. I'm sorry, but we all will die soon. Please, spend the time in your life to find happiness at all cost (other than by spiting the happiness of your fellow man). All other pursuits are false paths that destroy and separate us.

The end does not justify the means. It never will. Ever. Even past the end of your path, the end of all things is not there. Even when you reach the goal you desire by any cost, your achievement will only wither and disappear after you die. Please, make your goal in life to enjoy life with the things you love to do. At least by cherishing in the present will you have enjoyed a full life when you meet your end.


Good or bad, this too will pass. Pain to love, bone to ash. Please cherish all that you have now and seek triumph over all strife that is to come. There will be strife like there was before. I know you are strong enough; please trust in me knowing that your triumph over it will make you happier and stronger in the end.


I hope you believe in me like I believe in you. I am a work in progress, but I am happy to say that my work is progressing. World, please trust me; I do not tell you these things because I want to force them from you; I tell you them because I see what you are capable of. We can be so much more happier than we are now, and that happiness starts by you seeing your strength just as I see it in you. Listen, support, love, cherish, strive; we can do this together, I promise.





Always Yours,
Jacob Wilson

This is my journal. Whenever I feel like sharing my feelings with the world, I post them here. However, after a while I tend to make my entries friends-only. If you would like to view old entries, feel free to add me as a friend; otherwise, you can check back every now and then to look for new posts.



Thank you,
Jacob Wilson